A Letter to My Childhood Self

Dear 11-year-old Ghadeer,

You have been through so much trauma that you actively block out. You tell yourself if you don’t think about it, you won’t feel anything towards it. You were a child but you were so afraid to have emotions. You were a child but you weren’t allowed to be one. You weren’t allowed to listen to kids radio stations, you barely could watch kids channels. You were exposed to adult TV and music way too young. I don’t know how you learned about sex but I suspect it was through abuse.

You felt guilty for existing. You fantasized about bleaching your skin color because you thought only white people could have loving families. The truth was that you grew up in a predominantly white suburb, and that’s why you knew so many white people with loving families. Your friends were allowed to be kids and had supportive parents and siblings. It had nothing to do with your color or their color, baby girl. I know that you couldn’t put the blame on your family, so you found a way to blame yourself.

Your mother telling you that whiter children are cuter hurt you. Your mother telling you to marry someone with blue eyes and blond hair hurt you because you know she only cared how your children would look. You grow up to have a beautiful daughter who is half Mexican and she has gorgeous olive toned skin, just like you. She has dark brown eyes and dark brown hair and she is absolutely perfect in every way.

You were physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abused growing up but your parents invalidated you by saying that it was just siblings playing. Your brothers were just being boys. You felt so much pressure to be a girly girl because that’s how you were taught girls should be.

You were so young and you felt so ugly. You had a lot of things you wanted to change about yourself. You grew up thinking as long as you have someone who loved you unconditionally and passionately, you would be fine. The truth is that you needed that from your family so that you could learn to do it on your own. Your parents told your brothers they would grow up to do big things. Your parents told you that you will grow up to get married.

You saw so much so young. You needed to process things that you had no idea how to process. You were a child. Children can’t process those huge things. You needed your family to help you but you didn’t have that. You were raised by narcissists and they made you feel like your feelings didn’t matter, but they did matter.

I am here now. I know you are living inside me and you are still hurting. I am here and I am going to hug you every day and remind you that you are loved and you are perfect and that your existence is a blessing, not a burden. Your appearance isn’t the only thing you have to offer the world. You are funny and sweet. You were a little obnoxious but that was because you were searching for the attention you didn’t receive at home. I forgive you for that. Your true self loves making people laugh and smile. Your true self has a heart of gold. Your true self gives people too many chances and ends up hurt but does it over and over, just to make the lives of others easier.

Baby girl, you’ve been through so much. There was so much trauma and emotional neglect, so much bullying, so many mean people at school and at home, sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse, and so much more that lots of people never have to experience in their whole life. You keep a lot of it to yourself because you don’t want anyone to look at you differently. You have no idea the magnitude of how bad the issues you have are. You are raising yourself. A child should never have to raise a child.

I don’t even remember a lot of what you went through because your innocent child heart couldn’t bear the thought of it all. You simply trained yourself not to think about the horrible things and now they are gone from my brain. That’s okay. I know you are protecting me from a lot of information that I’m not yet equipped to handle.

I want you to know that I love you. You were always so fiery and energetic and everyone tried to put out your flames any chance they could. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get the chance to meet anyone who understood you truly. I’m sorry that you grew up alone because your family was never there for you and because you struggled to maintain friendships through all of the moving and mental health issues. I’m here for you now. It’s okay to be so energetic, you were just a child. You get better every day and you are learning to love yourself.

Thank you for surviving until adulthood, I know it was so hard. You can heal now. We are gonna do great together.

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