Hope can be a dangerous thing. Being hopeful can lead to heartbreaks and disappointments. However, not having any hope at all can throw away your chances at something great.
I have hope because every day, I get up and I get to see my baby girl and her sweet smile. I have hope because she calls “mommy” when she needs me. I have hope because after a month of being away from her, she still ran and hugged me the second she saw me. I have hope because, even though she’s not even two years old yet, I can tell she loves me.
Being hopeful can be an extremely difficult thing to do. I’m currently unemployed. A ton of my bills and my rent are late. My phone bill is on a payment arrangement and I’m worried I won’t be able to pay it because I don’t have any income. However, during this time I’ve been unemployed, I got set up with a therapist. It was hard saying goodbye to my last therapist. She was really great. My new therapist specializes in trauma and separation, depression and anxiety. She’s a good fit for me and I’m looking forward to the work we will do together. I also got set up with WIC, and an EBT card. I wasn’t able to get unemployment insurance due to not living in this state long enough, but I may be able to apply for Minnesota. I have hope because when I ask for help, there are people and resources out there for me.
Despite being unemployed, my daughter and I haven’t lost any weight and we don’t have to go hungry. It’s a blessing. I apply for tons of jobs and the only ones who reach out to me are either scams or door-to-door sales, which lord knows I can’t handle. It’s so easy for me to become depressed. It’s so easy for me to put my daughter to bed at night and then spend my time crying until I go to sleep. It’s so easy for me to hit up random guys and invite them over to keep me company, and it’s so easy for me to get high so I can sleep without crying. It’s easy to fall into these bad habits.
It’s a lot harder to stay sober. It’s harder to let myself cry and experience these painful feelings. Even though it’s harder, in the end, I don’t have that feeling of regret and disgust with myself. I don’t feel like a shitty mom after I spend the night crying. I wake up to my baby’s smiling face and it gets me through another long day.
So every day, I find odd jobs here and there to make a little bit of extra money. I ask for help from family. I apply to dozens of jobs every day. And it’s still hard, but I’m still trying. I want my daughter to grow up and be strong. I want her to have a good role model to look up to. I know I didn’t have that growing up. I know that even if I have no reason to live besides for my daughter, that’s the only reason I really need.
I’m doing everything I can right now. I need to remind myself of that, and that my daughter is clean and fed and has a bed to sleep in. I need to remind myself that we are safe and comfortable and that we will be okay. It’s been hard for me to post a blog because I don’t know what to say. How do I talk about mental health when I can’t even practice what I preach? But you know what? A mentally stable person can sit here and preach all day long about how great meds, therapy, and a changed mindset are and it can go in one ear and out the other. I’m a mess and if you are too, I’m here in solidarity with you.
I want to post more frequently. I will do my best to do so. It’s good for me and I would really love it if I helped anyone else even a little bit.
Thank you for reading.
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